Torn pt.1

Wow, it has been a very, very long time since I've written in here. So I'll try to update as much as I can here. Starting off with new years...

This past new years I got to spend with my SH, and I had a great time until we both stumbled home from Kelly's and puked our guts out( more like I puked my guts out). I was a wreck the next day. I woke up hungover as fuck in a sleeping bag on my couch with two buckets beside me. GREAT WAY TO START OFF A NEW YEAR. My family made fun of me all day, calling me a drunkie. Note to self: Never let [codenames] Spider Monkey or Rebel-falls-down-naked-cant-find-panties-sex-fiend BOOB make drinks again.

Shortly afterwards I started the new semester at Capilano U. I was suprisingly stoked to be back; being enrolled in Archaeology, Comtemporary Literature and Psychology. It was also great seeing some new friends in the Fir building (mostly jazz students). I was having a great time up until reading break. I was struggling trying to balance school and work schedules. I failed a midterm for my arch class which was so aggrevating to write. During reading break, the SH and I went on a trip to Victoria to hang out and see my step-aunt and step-uncle. It was an amazing, needed trip. We decided to go shortly after our one year anniversary (A WHOLE YEAR). After I came back from the trip, I was/still am struggling with school.

Besides being miserable about school, I've been making small trips around/out of town which have been helping me keep sane. A while ago went out on an impulsive trip out to Whytecliff Rock just outside of vancouver by the ferry terminal by myself. It's amazing how a place so close to civalization can feel so isolated. It was a cleansing trip. When I got to the park there were only three people (what appeared to be at the time..) present, myself included. The tide was far out enough so I could climb to the top of the rock and take in the beauty around me. Once I reached to top I felt like I was on top of the world. Gazing down at the rocks and water below me, with trees standing the same height as myself on the other side of the bay, while spring breezes continue to blow through my hair, this was a moment I didn't want to let go of. Sitting up there was the perfect spot for me to reflect on my life and see where I am, how I am, and why I am myself. I realized up there that I am not as strong of a being that I thought I was. I love myself, but I feel like sometimes I'm scared to let people in, to expose myself fully to others. I also realized that I can be better than that, and that I can trust people. It took me a long time to let the people in my life right now in fully, and I would like to thank them for their kindness, and their love, and that they will always be cherished and close to my heart. I did the same thing when I was on Galiano island with my dear friend Lynn last weekend. I hurt my back that weekend, so I had to take it easy, which I had no problem doing. Being out there by the sea was mesmerizing. While on Galiano, there was a fire ritual being performed by a shawoman for another woman for a celebration of her life. During the ritual I felt myself being pulled back to the earth from which we came, while embracing the four elements around me. And for the first time in a very long time, I felt infinite.

....To be continued

Dazed and Confused

I don't know why, but sometimes I find myself crying to sleep at night. I dont know if it's because I don't know how to express myself and my feelings, or if I'm crying for the sake of crying. Sometimes it feels great, other times it makes my eyes hurt and plugs my nose, creating a "snort" sound which sometimes makes me laugh. Talking to people always helps, but you can only talk to people for so long before they get annoyed and stop wanting to be around you. I dont want this to happen. I don't want to feel like there's a demon inside me tearing me apart from the inside out.

Vancouver Drivers

So, I've had my license since February. I have a love/hate reltionship with driving. I love being able to drive anywhere/anytime I want, but I hate driving around other people (which is unavoidable, but still.).

Earlier today I was driving to the SH's place in the boons on the highway. I guess this is somewhat my fault considering I was driving in the fast lane and going the exact speed limit (oops...). But as I was driving, this guy with two kids in the car speeds by me and gives me the fucking finger!! I was furious! WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS??!!! THERE WERE KIDS IN THE CAR WITH HIM FOR PETE'S SAKE! What kind of an example is he giving his kids? Being a inconsiderate prick and a bad role model for his kids. I feel really bad for them driving with someone like him. If his car crashed and the kids died with him, I would feel more sympathetic for the kids than the piece of shit dad in the driver's seat. Unfortunately, in this city there are a lot of dumb drivers. People here don't know how to drive. Mind you I'm one to talk, but at least I'm not afraid to admit that I'm not a great driver. Everywhere I go in this city someone cuts somebody off, switches lanes without turn signals on, hit cyclists, yell at other people on the road, and so on.

Enough of the rant. Besides dealing with other drivers on the road, there re some amazing, considerate drivers on the road. People who are willing to help other people with their car problems, who follow the crosswalk signals, and are aware and actually pay attention to their surroundings. In the east van area there are so many dumb pedestrians who jay-walk without looking and walk taking a leap of faith and drivers are patient enough to put up with their stupidity. When I got my license I felt like a bird in a cage whose door has been opened. And believe me, I flew out of that cage as soon as I possibly could. I love driving outside the city. Being a traveller, I love having the ability to drive to different places around BC and everywhere else. It's great. Besides the dumb drivers on the road, I love driving on the highway. Sometimes it feels like an adventure I dont want to end. The SH lives in a secluded area out side of Vancouver which is lovely.

Anyways, I need to get back to studying but I'll write more later. Man does it ever feel good to write.

Birthday with chicken wings on the side

  So, today is my twenty first birthday, and to be perfectly honest I thought I would be a lot more excited about being twenty one. I'm legal all over the world, but I don't have any plans/time to go anywhere anytime soon...so what's the point? As a rule, I hate my birthday. I've hated it ever since Uncle Leo died eleven years ago today. I say this because the few days, no, weeks before my birthday something goes wrong. I don't want to recall every bad memory now because it's my birthday, and I'm supposed to enjoy it, right? One good thing about birthdays though is that it's a good time to reflect and think of how I've grown since the year before/a good excuse to eat chicken wings and beer with my little brother. I’ve thought a lot about the past year. From the places I've been, the people that have entered my life and forever changed me, things I've accomplished, goals I've fulfilled and so on.

  I'm lucky to have had the opportunity to travel to the places I've been to over the past year. A few weeks after my birthday I escaped the cold for a week to go to Oahu I went all by myself not knowing anyone or what to do while over there. I was going with the flow. I wanted to see where fate would take me. I ended up meeting two guys who I still keep in touch with today. They definitely made my trip more memorable. I even went down to New Orleans with my best friend during the Olympics two months later to visit them! I had a great time on both trips with memories that will never leave me. Besides those two places I've had the chance to do a lot of hiking this summer around the lower mainland, West Van, the North Shore and other places. I also had the chance to take TLMF to Ucluelet on Vancouver Island (where my heart will always be) the Sunshine Coast and the Okanogan for his gig. I also went to my first cheese work!!! It was like I died and went to heaven!! I'm talking about Little Qualicum Cheese works in Qualicum Beach on Vancouver Island. OH MY GOD IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!!! I ATE SO MUCH CHEESE!! OM NOM NOM NOM NOM etc.


  Last November was a funny period of my life. This was a time where I was mentally, physically and spiritually preparing myself for school the next semester. I hadn't been in school for over a year and was ready to go back. I needed to go back. Making money is nice, but if you're doing it all the time you begin to lose your sanity and your identity even. I was excited to be in a school environment where teacher’s assigned projects/assignments that made you think about the environment around you, to look a bit deeper and see the cracks in which people can fall through in society, what makes us who we are and bring that out in us. Going back to school wasn't as easy as I was hoping it would be. Writing at a university level again after so long was a bit difficult but I conquered my fears of writing papers and written responses and was happy with the end result. Good or bad, I was able to express myself again! First semester back at Capilano University in January I took and English 100 writing course and Anthropology of Music. I loved both classes. The teachers I had, the content of the classes, everything about them was amazing. However, this semester I'm taking a class with a teacher who spends more time talking about her kids than the actual content which is pretty frustrating. However, one of the best things that has happened to me at school was meeting the love of my life (TLMF)...

  Love is such a complex emotion on so many levels (go figure). Earlier last year I started "seeing" a guy after him and his girlfriend had broken up. I don't know why I did it, but inside me I had a drive that longed for him. So one day we were at a bar drinking beer by the pitchers. After the rest of the people that we were with left, we began to talk about sleeping together; in other words being "fun buddies". At the time I didn't want to be in a relationship, I just wanted someone to fuck my brains out (mind you being a virgin at the time I was sexually frustrated). And I found someone that did. We only slept together twice, because after the second time I realized I was falling in love with him. After we slept together I realized that on an emotional level I was not meant to have "fun buddies" and that if I was going to become emotionally attached to these people I would only be hurting myself. I wanted to be with him. I really did. I tried dating other people (that's another story I'll save for another day) with no luck. This love ended last December before my trip to Hawaii. I confessed my love to him on another drunken night, and he told me he didn't want a relationship with me but just wanted to sleep with me. I was heartbroken. After my trip to Hawaii I was free. The trip helped me realize that I don't need a person in my life to be happy, but that I should embrace being on my own and grow before jumping into another relationship. On New Year’s I saw my old "fun buddy" and he tried to make a move on me. We kissed, and then he tried to undo my dress. I stopped him. And from there things were a bit awkward for a period of time. In the New Year I didn't know anybody at school except for my old "fun buddy" and a couple of his friends. One day he was sitting in the cafeteria with a bunch of other people in the same program as him. I met all of them briefly, including TLMF. At school I had no intention of meeting anybody. Truth being was that I was having a hard time trusting people after being hurt. (Think metaphorically of a crab hiding under a rock to avoid being hurt/seen). Back to that day, after the boys left I was sitting in the cafeteria doing some work trying to avoid going home. An hour into my homework I noticed TLMF (wasn’t at the time) walking towards the microwave to heat up his staple frozen dinner. I called him asking how he was doing and if he wanted to sit down and chat for a bit during his break. Nice guy, I thought. Handsome too. But I had no intention of being with him or anybody at the time. After he left to go back to his class I was happy I made a new friend. The next day I saw him again in the cafeteria killing time before his friend's show. I told him that I would hang out with him; to again, avoid going home. We talked for three hours straight. We talked about everything. I could tell by talking to him that he was a very intelligent, stubborn, opinionated and charming fellow. At one point during our three hour conversation I mentioned meditation and yoga. He said he had always wanted to try yoga, so I invited him out to the class that I usually would go to the following day. I gave him my phone number/email in case he got lost. He seemed a bit surprised with me giving him my number. I didn’t see it as anything too big, nor was I expecting him to come out. You see, this studio is downtown, and he lives in West Vancouver. That's a pretty big commute by bus (he doesn’t have his license). Especially that early in the morning. So I got to the studio late (go figure, I’m not the most punctual person) and saw him in class! I almost shit myself I was so surprised! It was awesome/entertaining watching him trying to do the stretches in above ankle socks and purple shorts. After the class I walked up with him to the library because he was going to a training seminar for his job with the Olympics. After we arrived at the library he gave me a cd that he had mentioned in an e-mail the night before. I had a weird feeling come over me after that class. I tried to ignore it, but I gave in: I was starting to like this guy. I was extremely nervous cause I didnt want to be hurt again. After a few more e-mails and a couple of yoga classes/dates I knew that I really liked him. He was different from the guys that I had liked/dated in the past. I knew I was going to be with him. Shortly after this realization, I was preparing myself for the week of chaos: Drivers test one day, Anthro exam the next, and wisdom teeth removal the day after. I decided that if I was going to be with him, I'd have to get my license. It was time. I thought about him throughout the test, and then I did it! I told my mom that if I got my license that I would kiss a boy. This was exactly what I did before the yoga class before the operation. We've been together since. It's been over nine months and I couldn't be happier. I love him. He loves me. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

 Overall, I think it's been a pretty solid year. I've done a fair share of travelling, met/got back in touch with life long friends and have learned more about myself along the way. One of my goals for the next little while is it improve the trumpet. I started learning late September amd I'm loving it! As diffuclt as it may be, I see it as a fun challeng to conquer. So we'll see where things will go from here. I don't know what'll happen a year from now, and I dont want to. I want life to unravel in front of me one bit at a time. And if you're reading this, I want you to know that I love you from the bottom of my heart.

Till next time!

Life Up To This Point

                                                                                                                                     October 20,2010
Wow, it's been a while since Ive written here.... oops.

Life has been pretty interesting recently. Over the past couple of weeks I've had two trumpet lessons with Steeb, attended two films from the VIFF/dates wth my sweetheart (SH), made my very first turkey,went out for dinner/ a show with my dad,went to speak to my neurologist (finally)cried at my sister's place and failed a midterm (not actually, I have no idea how I did). And there's more Im sure..

I started taking trumpet lessons from my frind Steeb a couple of week ago, and loving it! I'm borrowing Geoff's high school trumpet in the meantime because I dont want to buy an instrument and not want to continue playing in the future. After the first lesson I've come to respect brass players more than I did before. The very first time I played the trumpet I almost passed out due to lack of oxygen while attempting to hit a good note. Steeb taught me some good methods in playing the trumpet in which I can ACTUALLY play a note, and sound half decent! YAY. But on a serious note I'm really grateful that Steeb is taking the time to teach me how to play step by step. I know I can be difficult to work with (especially when it comes to playing instruments) at times, but I'm going to play the trumpet and sound fucking amazing doing it! If there is a will, there is a way, and I dont plan on stopping anytime soon.

Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to see as many films at the VIFF as I wanted to, but I'm glad I was able to see the two that I saw. The first film was a Vietnamese film called, "Don't Be Afraid Bi!" which was about a boy who lived in Hanoi with his alcohalic dad with an infatuation for a young "Masseuse", a desperate mother taking care of her husband's dying father, and an aunt who falls in love with a student in her class. The movie portayed the innocence/oblivion of this 6-year old boy whose favorite pastime was playing around an ice factory. Of course in the film he has no idea the significance of the events occurring around him. I felt that the symbolism, the settings, and the cinematography were beautifully woven together as this boy, wh ironically is the one who is least scared in the film as life/death pass before his eyes. Beautifully melancholic.

The second movie I saw was a movie about the Tibetan monks in Tibet called, "Himalaya, A Path To The Sky" This documentary follows a 8-year old monk who remembers everything from his past life and the enviroment that he, and the other young monks live in.Their daily routines consist of cleaning their homes in the morning, attending philosophy classes in the afternoon, and helping the other monks take care of their monastary on the side of a mountain. This movie showed the viewers that we can still live without technology today and how it is still possible to live simple lifestyles today.

A couple of days later I took on the challenge of making the turkey for thanksgiving dinner. I was nervous for several reasons; 1) The bird is THE symbol of thaksgiving 2) My dad wouldn't let me hear the end of it if I had messed up the turkey, and 3) I would've lost all my self-esteem if the turkey was a failure. There was one point where I started crying because of the overwhelming pressure (which looking back now, was unecessary). The bird was beautiful. L came over a bit earlier to help SH and I cook/hang out which was a lot of fun. Later on M,N came over, with Ch and A arriving shortly afterwards. When A met SH's brother, his brother joined us at the table the whole night! (Which is EXTREMELY rare) The food was great too; there was the bird, potatoes, chesee stuffed pumpkins, portabello pasta and salad.

Last friday my old man and I went out on a date for the first time in ages. We went to see SH pla a show with his school band at a beautiful venue by school. Before the show we treated the SH to dinner at a pasta house which was alright. I had a pizza which was half-decent, and the old man had a cannenoli which was okay. But the show made the night worthwhile. The first group, the jazz singers from school did an amazing job with the songs given to them. And when SH came on with his band, he had a suprise solo which made my dad really happy. Overall, it was a good night. Oh yeah, I aso had my midterm that day too, which was brutal. I'm not good at writing under pressure, which I pretty much had to do the whole test. UGH. Thank god thats over for now.

On sinday night after work,-year old girl my sister (C) picked me up from work to go hang out at her new place which is super cute, but would be better without the fluorescent lights. First we had to go pick up some stuff at superstore, and by stuff I mean instant noodles which were delicious in a disgusting way. While at her place we gossiped about boys/friends/life and watched an Indian movie called, "Water" that my mom lent her. The movie is achingly beautiful. The scenery, the elements combined in this movie made my cry, angry, and lifted my spirit in the end. The movie begins with a 7-year old girl named Chuiya who recently became a widow and is exhiled into poverty with other widows in a small house in New Delhi. Seeing the living conditions and the abuse around her makes her want to escape, until she meets another young girl who is a prostitute, and the main source of income in this poor house. This girl meets a man one day by the river and falls in love with her, which is a sin in society around that time. That's all I cna say about the movie for now before I ruin the movie.

Roles

What is your role in your household? This was one of the questions that my sociology professor asked me in yesterday's class. She's one of those professors that asks questions similar to this one EVERY CLASS. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I have no problem talking about myself, but sometimes I don't like doing self reflections in class. I feel that when she makes us discuss questions that can be potentially intimate, that I'm revealing parts of myself that I dont wan't other people to know. So it pretty much goes both ways...

Back to the question, after some thought I realized that my role is the wallflower. As Patrick quoted in The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, a wallflower is, "Someone who sees all, understands, and knows when to remain silent". This was the main role I could think of in class. I don't know if being a wallflower is a good thing, but I guess it'll have to do for now. Normally I don't like using labels to describe people; but it seems to happen quite a bit in Sociology.I also thought about my family member's roles, and realized that my dad/brother always fought for the alpha male role (I know it sounds stupid, but w/e) while my mother is the working mother who somehow manages to keep everything balanced in the house. I don't know how she can tolerate my dad's and brother's arguments at times. Good gosh! I'll finish this after work, besides my break is almost up!

till next time.

-KB

NOOB

Ladies and Gentleman,

I finally found a blog I can use!! It's not that I'm technology deficant (that's a lie), it's just that I don't know much about blogging websites. A friend of mine told me about this blog website, so I thought I would check it out. It's great!! I can't wait to start writing again!!

Till next time!