Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Torn pt.1

Wow, it has been a very, very long time since I've written in here. So I'll try to update as much as I can here. Starting off with new years...

This past new years I got to spend with my SH, and I had a great time until we both stumbled home from Kelly's and puked our guts out( more like I puked my guts out). I was a wreck the next day. I woke up hungover as fuck in a sleeping bag on my couch with two buckets beside me. GREAT WAY TO START OFF A NEW YEAR. My family made fun of me all day, calling me a drunkie. Note to self: Never let [codenames] Spider Monkey or Rebel-falls-down-naked-cant-find-panties-sex-fiend BOOB make drinks again.

Shortly afterwards I started the new semester at Capilano U. I was suprisingly stoked to be back; being enrolled in Archaeology, Comtemporary Literature and Psychology. It was also great seeing some new friends in the Fir building (mostly jazz students). I was having a great time up until reading break. I was struggling trying to balance school and work schedules. I failed a midterm for my arch class which was so aggrevating to write. During reading break, the SH and I went on a trip to Victoria to hang out and see my step-aunt and step-uncle. It was an amazing, needed trip. We decided to go shortly after our one year anniversary (A WHOLE YEAR). After I came back from the trip, I was/still am struggling with school.

Besides being miserable about school, I've been making small trips around/out of town which have been helping me keep sane. A while ago went out on an impulsive trip out to Whytecliff Rock just outside of vancouver by the ferry terminal by myself. It's amazing how a place so close to civalization can feel so isolated. It was a cleansing trip. When I got to the park there were only three people (what appeared to be at the time..) present, myself included. The tide was far out enough so I could climb to the top of the rock and take in the beauty around me. Once I reached to top I felt like I was on top of the world. Gazing down at the rocks and water below me, with trees standing the same height as myself on the other side of the bay, while spring breezes continue to blow through my hair, this was a moment I didn't want to let go of. Sitting up there was the perfect spot for me to reflect on my life and see where I am, how I am, and why I am myself. I realized up there that I am not as strong of a being that I thought I was. I love myself, but I feel like sometimes I'm scared to let people in, to expose myself fully to others. I also realized that I can be better than that, and that I can trust people. It took me a long time to let the people in my life right now in fully, and I would like to thank them for their kindness, and their love, and that they will always be cherished and close to my heart. I did the same thing when I was on Galiano island with my dear friend Lynn last weekend. I hurt my back that weekend, so I had to take it easy, which I had no problem doing. Being out there by the sea was mesmerizing. While on Galiano, there was a fire ritual being performed by a shawoman for another woman for a celebration of her life. During the ritual I felt myself being pulled back to the earth from which we came, while embracing the four elements around me. And for the first time in a very long time, I felt infinite.

....To be continued